...
Quiero recorrerte con mi boca abierta y mis brazos cerrados rodeándote. Pegar mis labios a tu piel hasta que se deslicen por tus hombros blancos.
Quiero sentir tu pelo en mi piel, cómo me acaricia. Tu aliento tibio en mi cuello. Tu pulso, que vibra. Tus manos como el sol sobre mi espalda.
Quiero sentir lo suave, lo duro, lo liso. Absorberte con cinco sentidos. Ser lluvia y bajar del cielo mojada cuando pase la tormenta.
"Now I understand" said she, with the rarest grin illuminating her precious face. A face from last century, framed with short white curls, an obviously ancient yet pleasant composition that revealed, more than her years, her extraordinary wisdom.
Nobody knew what she could understand. And nobody seemed to care. It was mother's day and we were all celebrating.
"Heaven exists. When it is my time, I don't want to go to a hospital and be on machines, extending my agony. I don't want you to worry about me. I don't want you to mourn: I am going on a beautiful trip. Just let me go. Anyway, it will not be the first time I die."
My grandmother had been clinically dead once. She went into cardiac arrest. One cold morning, my mother found her unconscious laying on her bed. She was rushed to the hospital and when she was finally able to speak again, she told us this marvelous story about the Golden City. She remembered being there, resting on clouds hearing angelic choirs. She said she did not get to meet God, for it was not her time yet. "It is beautiful. I want you to remember that place exists and now I am not scared of dying." But I was scared of her dying.
She would speak about death casually, like planning for a wedding, a graduation, or any other event. So much so that it made me sick to my stomach to listen; I felt a black hole expanding from my stomach with nausea and a paralized throat that made it difficult for me to swallow my own saliva. However, I just smiled through it, not saying anything or even hinting at any of these feelings, I went on listening with attentive eyes and a smile and nodded pretending to agree. "Life is too precious. Take care of living each day. Don't let my absence stop you".
One day she told me that she had dreamed of her parents. And her brother, who was lost at sea at the age of 44. There were her dogs: "el Silencio", "la Osa" and "el Rick". I did not think about that family reunion or its implications. She was my family and she was with me right in that moment and that is how I wanted things to stay. I held her warm hand, refusing to acknowledge that her soul was slowly entering a different realm.
Then, the month of May was ending. We were busy planning for potential ways to celebrate her upcoming birthday, while trying hard to ignore the fact that she was preparing to die. "Nearly all of my generation has passed away. One must be really good to be the last one to leave the party. I am done with my party here. Now they are all waiting for me on the other side".
There was no more denying one day at the beginning of June. She had been using the oxygen and not eating or drinking for two days in a row . Her care givers told us she was drifting in and out of consciousness. Of course she did not want to burden us with her death. She arranged things like she was going to travel: she packed her stuff and made postcards for each one. We went to visit her one last time.
She was so happy to see us: her family reunited by the dock smiling for her and waving goodbye while she swiftly sailed away. I held her hand. It was not warm anymore.
She turned her face away from us and fell asleep instantly. She seemed to fall quickly into a restless dream. She was panting and moving her feet, like she was walking. I massaged her feet. We were there, in awe and completely silent.
Then she woke up momentarily and said she was thirsty. We asked if she would like a sip of water: "No", she said, "I want tequila. Go to Rigo, at 'La Cantina', and have him pour us some drinks".
My sister rushed to Rigo's bar to get grandma her drink. She came back within minutes, all flushed and short of breath from the run, with some piña colada in a cocktail shaker. We helped grandma sit up in her bed and bring the liquid to her lips. She tried to sip, but could barely "kiss" the drink. She was not able to keep her eyes open. Still, she said it tasted good, or at least that is what I understood. She smiled and gently tried to lift an invisible cup with her pale, cold hand, as if making a toast.
The afternoon was turning into night. The nurse came by and kindly asked us to leave: "Ms. María Luisa made plans in advance; she said you cannot stay caring for her at night. She wants you to go home and rest".
The black hole that had strated in my abdomen a few weeks ago had completely taken over. We said goodbye and parted our ways and as soon as we were out of the nursing home, the overwhelming blackness made my breath heavy and my eyes teary. My chest felt tight and my head was pounding. Halfway home, we had to pull over as I had to vomit. I was in a black tunnel and I could not see its end.
When we were arriving home, all of our lights were off, as they were when we left in the morning. Curiously, the light in our porch turned on. As the the door opened , I felt a weight was lifting off from my chest and I could breath again. The blackness went away, giving way to a faint, luminous yellow and I was not feeling fear or sadness anymore. I was almost at peace.
Then, the call came in: "She has passed away".
It is life that we call beautiful. But there is also beauty in death. Thank you. Now rest in peace.
Te esperaré aquí, entre las flores y las velas, entre las luces los y cantos. Te esperaré sentada, hasta que el polvo se disipe y las lluvias se vayan, limpiando la tristeza de las calles a su paso.
Te esperaré en la casa que huele a caña, que huele a atole, que huele a ti; y no habrá más tierra en mi garganta, ni lágrimas que nublen mis ojos. Te esperaré aquí, adonde teníamos que vernos antes, en otra tarde, en otro tiempo.
Te esperaré bajo las nubes y el papel picado; entre el caramelo, el chocolate y el café. Te esperaré aquí, hasta que las luces de neón se apaguen y se prendan los cirios. Entre los rezos de los ancianos y las abuelas y las miradas cristalinas de los niños. Y vendrás sin miedos y ya no habrá más gritos.
Y pondré un círculo de sal que proteja tu alma y pondré un vaso de agua que refresque tus sueños; hasta que vuelvas tú, hasta que vaya yo, hasta que volvamos a estar juntos.
Te esperaré porque sé que volverás, así como todos han vuelto.
Te esperaré aquí, entre las flores y las velas. Entre las luces y los cantos…
Paola Klug
My grandmother once gave me a tip:
In difficult times, move forward in small steps.
Do what you have to do, but little by little.
Don’t think about the future
or what may happen tomorrow.
Wash the dishes.
Remove the dust.
Write a letter.
Make a soup.
You see?
Advance step by step.
Take a step and stop.
Rest a little.
Praise yourself.
Take another step.
And then another.
You won’t notice, but your steps will grow more and more.
And the time will come when you can think about the future without crying.
Author: Elena Mikhalkova
As far as as he could remember, there hadn´t been a night as dark. Everything was complete silence. And the nauseating smell of blood, drying in the warm weather, rose from across the office floor, filling the room with a distinctive stench. Augie stayed still in his place behind the patient’s bed, wondering what had happened, to set this day so far apart from the rest.
Routine was always the same: the doctor came in at about eight every morning and greeted Augie with a smile and a quick hand gesture. Then, the nice lady came in and did the cleaning. Then, the patients. An endless parade of faces, voices, smells… occupied the doctor´s office every day. But not today. This day had been abnormally quiet.
What happened? The skeleton could not understand. For the first time, its tiny rubber bones ached mysteriously -a feeling he had never experienced before-. He never reckoned his shallow ribcage, but today it seemed so empty; as his entire existence. Almost four years in this world, and not a single reason for being. Always standing still in the same place. And this day seemed so tragic. Not because of the blood on the floor, or the absence of the doctor, but because of the chaos it brought along.
Time crept by so slowly. The morning came with faint light in beautiful hues of violet, pink and orange, all mixed with gray. And the silence… it was too much to bear. “Where did I go wrong?” The question echoed in Augie's empty skull, as he thought he perceived these words in a low whisper beside him. Augie turned slightly his head to the left, trying to see the person whose voice he seemed to recognize:
“Doctor!” The doctor responded with his regular greeting, only this time, he was genuinely surprised that someone could see him –even if that someone was a rubber skeleton model. Who felt lonely. Sad. Neglected.
-That blood, came from me?
The “bony” white little head jolted up and down in response. Augie is actually PVC and only 4ft. tall, but he identifies as an anatomically correct, beautiful human skeleton.
So... at last an answer. It was bleak and bleary, but nevertheless, an answer. And the memories began to flash back, from that ill-fated day:
-Arlena called me… I came to see her in the house we had shared. She said she wanted me back; I asked her to find a place of her own... we had breakfast together. I can´t really tell why, since I was supposed to go with my sister and niece that morning. However, I stayed in and ate with her. Then, she left for work; but I told her I would linger, in order to look for some books and x –rays I was needing to finish my paper. I was going through folders and documents in my old desk, when my stomach felt funny; a piercing pain radiated from my left side. I believed it was only bad digestion –funny how wrong my self-diagnose was. Then I decided to go to my office. I figured that I could take some remedy and lay down for a while… but soon after crossing the door, I collapsed. The pain went sharper. I gasped hopelessly for air. Blood gushed from my mouth and nose… And then: Darkness. Did I die?
Augie had been listening with attention; the doctor´s words gave some sort of explanation, somehow soothing the loneliness and despair, making things slightly clearer for both of them.
The maid came in, but not as early as usual. She had a latch with red carnations and a white rose, which she left on the doctor´s desk. She wasn´t wearing her uniform. She made the sign of the cross, as she began spraying watered chlorine to wipe off the blood with shaky hands and dripping eyes .
-I guess death is too confusing, too definite to make any sense at all... I should be alive! There are so many things I have to do… I am not ready for this... But, Augie: I´m afraid I´m dead.
Listen to Happiness.m4a by Raine (Johana Denisse) on #SoundCloud https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/CWjY6
Life is not a happy ending
She is the strongest soul I've ever met
And even she cries sometimes.
It is never easy.
Dying a little occasionally is part of life.
It is never easy.
Only when I am with my cat.
Otherwise, few things seem worth my while.
But then I am here
In the flesh
Let me at least enjoy this mortal form while it lasts
I can feel the warm sun on my back.
Taste good food, good drinks, a nice smoke.
An exquisite bed to blow our mind.
I want to live the moment.
Also with her, the driving practice,
Evenings at the mall.
I do not know if Happiness exists.
But I have known a few happy times.
I cook your meal, buy you a shirt,
Take care of the details. I like to belive I do good by you.
So, at least while I am busy, my life has a purpose. That is why I like to care for you.
While we keep up the search, however meaningless,
For that unicorn called "happiness".
Today I saw this lovely doctor
She seemed forty-something and she was very sweet. She had a very traditional look, so much so that I was surprised when her patient complimented her on a very nice tattoo she had on her arm.
She said it was her mother's day present and it was very painful.
I just thought it was so sweet that she accepted to get a tattoo just because it was a present from her child.
I wonder what it was. I did not get to see it.
After this encounter, I might consider to get those mom + daughter tattoos my baby was suggesting a couple of years back.
This is what I was yearning for
I could always see it.
What is the point, if not living this?
We live for these moments
Cause there is not always sun.
I don't care about what happens
Outside of this room
On any given day
I taste my favorite flavor in your mouth
I feel you touching my back
As long as you are willing to stay by my side
Happiness is today.
Thank you for making me smile.
I've no more patience for you, my dear
Not even to write you a verse
And I can't now
I can't
No matter how great you were
I know you are still the same
That is why, dear.
Because I have changed
You were saying all those words
Doing all that shit to try to hide the fact
That I was way too good for you.
You tried to keep me down because you knew
The moment I got up I'd walk away.
And now you are trying to make me feel sorry that I left?
Fuck you
Again.
En infinito telón azul se adivina la forma de la luna
Que de lejos nos observa indiferente
Yo no soy la luna
Me puede tu dolor, pero estoy lejos
Cómo quisiera poder acompañarte
Pero solo estoy aquí, escribiendo versos
Aunque sé que no hay palabras para consolarte
Mi existencia es muy trivial, perdona
Pero si de algo sirve, estoy aquí
Para que la soledad no te coma
Porque sé lo que es, sé lo que se siente
En esta vida no hay más certeza que la muerte
Más siempre agradece que tuviste la suerte
El amor
Mira, que siempre es peor
No tener nada qué perder.
I'll try to find a way to explain to you how I was. How my hips were sharp and my hands were long and my breasts so big in my otherwise tiny frame.
How I'd go out in a see-through white spandex shirt paired with jeans and I did not care. A true rebel at sixteen enjoying life even though I never felt beautiful.
Cause there were always others prettier than me. But I was the one wearing the lowest neckline. I had the highest heels. I was the one ready to spend the night with you.
I would stick my hand beneath your jeans without batting an eye. You may not notice me at first, but surely you would hear about me. And maybe find a dark, lonely room where I could disgrace you. Or share bodily fluids or simply listen to music together.
And maybe later act like nothing happened. And I would never see you get old and gray. And if there ever was a "we", it would be locked and lost in that one moment. Because at seventeen life is not the same as it is at forty-something and desire seems more important than a home and fortune and because those days are never coming back, did they really happen?
I was the hero in my own story. But now, who is writing these lines?
And I may be a tiny, weak creature
One that does better on meatless food, one that needs her bed
You are such a big guy
A safe haven cause you want to
My heart beating in your hands bedazzles you
As you hear the music of my breath
Aware of my delicate frame posing before your big eyes
My tiny ribs, my tender legs, my pouty lips
Helpless at your whim, yet completely willing
I am here delighted, even if this were the last time
Soft and warm for your pleasure
Cause we know life is like this
Some know how to break, some are meant to be broken
And choosing the one who breaks us
Is a privilege in a way
And I may be the prey you want
Or just hot bait next to you in this bed
While you sleep all lush and large
But whichever way it goes
I chose you.
You are my prey tonight.
We watched Beastars season 2 finale.
Sometimes love goes beyond our understanding.
Love is strange.
There is more healing power in his arms and his smile than in any pill.
Even broken, we are still capable of love.
There
Is
Hope.
Your silence is worth a thousand suns
On this warm night
In this bed
White skin all across,
You so soft
You, harmless now
You are asleep
Muffling tired sounds
I am just an edge of the bed
A quiet string, watching
While you drift away.
Having a BMI of 19 is never easy
people don´t see you as people.
You are just a picture.
"It is always nice to see you"
Yeah, I can't say the same, fucker
and this dress was the cheapest, you know?
People always approaching
for the worst reasons,
people always "worried" that you are "sick"
I am not sick, bitch, I am just skinny
and what do you care, anyway?
Though it is always fun to try on
oh so many clothes
getting all the unrequested privilege.
It is like being set up for fame and failure at the same time.
On the other hand, "Mildly Overweight" does not age gracefully
and the final sales are not your size anymore
and people talk about how much weight you've gained
and your doctor says you are prediabetic and have high blood pressure.
And it is almost mandatory to wear a bra
and you don't know your exact size anymore,
you're too afraid too measure
and to share your photos
with double chin, big belly, your flabby arm
-nobody cares, but you always belive they do-.
Nobody cares, but if they do, fuck them, just in case.
It is not your job to look pretty.
And if you don't love your reflection in the mirror,
then you know you are wrong.
I spent most of my youth as a size zero,
I could not wrap my head around the idea of being a size ten.
I'd see the clothes and believe they were too big for me,
but they'd fit just right when I tried them on.
I got tired of feeling tired
of not fitting into my old clothes,
so I started doing something about it.
Seeing myself more tall than wide
once more in my life, was a victory.
I am still not quite myself
I may never be
but I am getting much closer
to the body I believe I am.
And I will hold you when you shiver
If you are afraid you will explode
And I will clean it up for you,
Please do not worry.
Give to me but most importantly,
Give to yourself.
Tonight you are what you always dreamed to be.
May the Earth tremble beneath our feet
May I know you this once and forever.
Let me take care of you.
Say what you want, you've got it.
Let me take care of you.
You are the flowers you have given me.
You are all our kisses
And all our photos together.
I need to look at these photos to remember how I was feeling
And how my heart felt lighter
Cause sometimes we forget that we are happy
And it seems like we were born stuck here
And we will die right here
And all the in between is blurry
And happy moments get lost in time.
But I lived them.
I want to remember
How I felt alive.
When you'd fit between your father's hand and elbow bend
When I could lay you on my chest and you would fall a asleep.
I could never have enough of your delightful smiles, your warm, tender little body that I could cradle in my arms.
Your tiny lips feeding from my breast.
My precious daughter.
You came to join me along the way when I was learning how to become an adult.
I am sorry I did not give you all that you deserved. I was too young and inxperienced. I was distracted by my own problems and by your father. I was trying to save my life.
You know my heart and know better than anyone, baby, what I am talking about. We both hurt. But today I want to celebrate that we are together. I want to embrace you and ask for your forgiveness. May we smile together again, like your first days.
I wish I 'd kept more photos of the two of us. Of the girls we were. How we enjoyed bathing in the jacuzzy. How we enjoyed the playground. I'd climb on the big slide with you. We were laughing all the way down.
Remember how I took you with me to the University and you stayed in class scribbling on a notebook, pretending that you were paying attention.
I still remember dropping you at the day care and how my heart would break when I heard you crying. You'd run to the window to watch me go with the saddest little face.
I used to visit the girls section at every clothes store. I loved buying matching outfits for ourselves. I'd get you a size 4 and then a size 16 for me. You looked so lovely. You were excited to look just like mom... In your innocence we looked the same; but in reality you are far more beautiful, always.
Those were the good old days. And I wish we could go back, but for better or for worse, we can not. It's been quite an adventure. And you have been the best accomplice, the best teacher, the best motivation to go through it all. Thank you. Today I celebrate the woman that you are.
Thank you for giving me the honor of being your mom.
So sad an absence.
At exactly 11:11 today, my heart was thinking of you.
Wishing you were here.
Wishing celebrations would feel as good as they did back then.
I desire enough love and enough strength to feel happy even though you are not here.
The warm May sun shines above me to take away all the cold and remind me of your embrace. ❤️
Starting my sick morning
Bitten by anxiety
Feeling like I am always late for something
Believing that everyone else's needs are more important than mine
My heart beating ever faster to try and keep up with the madness
Believing all the bullshit I have been fed
Like I did not deserve a moment to myself
Never earning sympathy
Believing I am worth just as much as I make
Sweating every cent
Vacations out of the question
Trying to crawl back to my bed
Trying to cheat the system
But then, one day this is all going to break up
I will go back to myself.
I am enough.
Another cold gray April morning.
Spring as tender as my mood.
I feel better but might not ever feel good.
I had never imagined I would be these many years old.
Yet still feel like being worshipped
White hot in his hands
My tongue in his ear
Erupting from the center of the earth
I never turned any older again
I would never be another one
Beyond this moment
Beyond his skin.
I am dry as the dessert
Cold as the night
May the sun take away all my sorrow
As it dips behind the dunes
May my heart beat again out of my chest
Between my legs
I am soft, quiet dessert
My skin is sand
I move with the wind
My moan so low it is inaudible as the wind howls.
You can not hear me.
You can not see me.
But you can feel me.
I am the sansdstorm.
I am not what I was when you started touching me.
I am the infinite spotless dark sky.
Emptiness in my eyes.
But I smell like morning every day.
May the sun rise on me one more time.
I swallowed you.
I am the dessert.
I am paper that got wet
My body brittle and tender
My soul sore.
I damn well know I shouldn't be doing this
Yet here I am doing it anyway.
I miss the person I thought I was.
I am a Panda bound toward extinction and I need saving.
I am rare and unique in my own voice.
I haven't found myself.
I need you to understand me so that you can explain me.
I need your love and compassion.
I need you to hug me through the night.
I will give you a kiss and everything I am
Though I don't know if that is anything at all.
I thought he was just too green. But he is really so vanilla.
It is nice for a while, but then it tends to boredom. Or maybe I am a freak. A pornstar wanna be.
I wanted him to lick my ears, my neck, give me the chills. I wanted to implode into myself and then explode out of this world.
He shall be my dirty gentleman. He'd pull me towards him, invade my space with his smell. Pull my hair as I stroked his.
He would give me a quick kiss on my lips instead, like we were fucking fourteen. And he may be at heart. But I am too old for that.
Is it dark here? Or is it just me?
I can't shut up just yet
But I am so tired.
I wish I could afford my time.
Lost my life and can't find it back.
I earned my right to paint my smile
Because if I didn't, I would not have a smile at all.
And when I try to listen to my own voice I have to be very quiet
But it's sometimes scary
To meet my broken self
And see the red live wounds that just won't heal
It is scary to face myself
And knowing that I'd never make it on my own through the thin curtain of acid rain
I tend to call 'My Everyday'.
I wanted hugs, I wanted warmth.
I want the wind shaking the treetops lulling me to sleep at night and then the dusk in watercolors, the bread baked fresh from the oven, the music in my ears. Fanstasy.
But instead I got a nutty, smooth coffee and cinnamon shortbread. I'll embrace this comfort in the meantime. I'll curl up in my big chair while I take yet another call.
I'll try and do my makeup in between, while my neighbor's old music plays in the background.
And then I'll go out and meet the sunset, walk away from all the madness and then get back, just to feed you frozen pizza and to melt on your skin till one more day slips by.
Los tenues copos brillan a contraluz. ¿Quién diría que tanta belleza es tan letal?
Ven conmigo al fuego, tibia tus manos. Comamos y riamos while the cold sky is pouring outside, freezing all the life on the ground under its bridal veil.
