The sea and a desert

Am I in your way?

Is my wide back overshadowing your light?

Am I the parade in your rain?

Are you wishing I wasn’t there, 

but blaming me because you are?

Is your life not a mirror? 

Am I the one at fault?

Who are you telling that I left you?

Who is picking up your fallen stars?

That last time, I looked for you, 

I tried to find you, 

but you weren't there at all. 

Teaching is not always learning.

Love is the lesson.

My mission was not about saving,

but about staying out of your path, 

because we must not hurt each other. 

I was letting you be a river because I could not hold you back.

I tried to keep you in my arms,

but you rolled like water.

You said my life is not right.

I've had it easier than you, I concede.

But there is no gratuity in life.

You say that you are a good daughter. 

I am sure you are the best.

I must have worn your patience out.

I know, each day you give your all

(that much I know, and I am grateful)

I know it’s hard.

Each sea is immense in its own right 

And who would ever count how many drops of water it is?

And if a mother's love is eternal, then why'd you even try?

Cyclospora

 I don't want explosive diarrhea.

Yet, the summer didn't seem as bad

as the nuclear winter of rogue AI.

Out in the cold, I cannot help but think

that soon we'll get the first snow.

I am missing everyone so much.

I wish I'd go home, like Meng Li.

I especially miss the ones that no longer are.

I don't have canned food for 90 days.

My emergency bag is not yet packed. 

Can't pack right now; first, I need 

to team up with Claude and work 

endless hours on the hopeless class.

And I mourn my friend every time 

I hear about the stain fayls.

I wish I'd go home. 

I am missing you so much.

 

 

Hot thoughts

 Slow steaming in Tennessee heat

Too many doors have I knocked on 

Too many steps walked, still no answer

And the season isn't set up yet.

There are pages of the past that I long to read

Or short paragraphs, sentences perhaps. 

I am trying to keep only the nice parts.

Because I thought we had turned the page

but it seems not. 

The past is never far behind.

There are still heaps of unresolved conflict

and a numb headache that may trace back to the 

humid heat, the exhaustion, or 1999 

or the heartache of one of the many drama seeds that grew somehow.

I am not the victim. I am just stupid enough to believe that it'd go away,

stupid, stupid: thought it'd heal on its own, and right now I am pessimistic, 

but were there other ways I should have tried...?

You gave me the key to solving the riddle: 2014 was too emo and too absent.

Should have sat down to work this out with you earlier, but I could not try. 

Just know it was not out of malice. 

I did not know how to live.

For so many years, I have loved you

and I will love you till the end of my life.

But now it is almost Halloween, 

a thousand miles apart. 

You said you wanted me away, 

but now you are hurt because I didn't come back. 

I knew how it was going to be, but you would not listen.

The deal was to tie my hands 

so that you could fly

I knew what I was losing; you had to find out. 

I am slow steaming in Tennessee. You, in Chihuahua, blazing out.

The Sea

 The sea is within me

I wished it were the river

I wished it were the mountain

I wished it were the desert.

But no: it is the sea 

and it is never quiet 

but it speaks in colors, smells, the rhythm of the waves

and I can not understand it.

The sea is within me, 

but I do not want it there. 

I want it out 

so I can walk away 

I want the sun away

and if the sun sets and the night comes

and I can not see the sea anymore,

will it still be there?

The sea is within me

and there is no space left for myself.

The old house

 Under a perfect desert sun

On the sand I will stand 

I hear the echo of your voice from afar 

But I decided that I do not care.

Hours go by impossibly slow 

like the law of physics does not exist here

like space and time were just invented on a whim

of somebody 

that does not know

the reality of the desert.

And the day may now be a gray afternoon 

slowly melting into the black of night

but it still feels as hot as though the sun were high in the sky

with white dunes skipping along the crystal heat.

My face is drunk on skincare, yet it is still thirsty

and the bright red sun has moved to my limbs

never had I ever felt so vulnerable before.

This used to be my home 

but that was centuries ago.

Now I am not that woman. 

I got lost by the lake and overtaken by the storm. 

The desert that lived in me has left.

Bittersweet

Butter wings

Melty soul 

And you are a pin in the map

But the map is lost 

Tell me what dress are you wearing today 

What coat of arms are you wielding

Whose smile makes you smile today 

While I have two cell phones to misplace around the house 

Maybe one day I will answer 

Maybe one day you will love

While I am chasing another gray hound 

To some place far away from here.

Cheese

Life is falling apart into pieces like cheese slices in a TV commercial 

Things are slowly falling into place...?

S

L

O

Wwwwwwwly

(Ever so slowly).  

And I want to get a sneak peek to see how it unfolds. 

What to prepare. 

What to ditch.

And the cheese looks great, but what if it is just wax and dye? 

Guess we are about to find out, but anyway, what else can we do

now that we are already eating?

It is too late now. We are in the middle of this Rubik's Cube called life.

I am so stretchy that I expand in every direction just to snap back down. 

You are my lifeline into reality.

My thoughts are so sophisticated that I can not make sense of them. 

I can move the squares, but keep getting distracted by the colors.

I know what I want to do, but I can't run the algorithm.

Strokes of sunshine push me forward to go on, and occasionally make me smile.

Your kindness gives me strength and love for life. 

So let me thank you. And be here for you.

I am here for you.