Hot thoughts

 Slow steaming in Tennessee heat

Too many doors have I knocked on 

Too many steps walked, still no answer

And the season isn't set up yet.

There are pages of the past that I long to read

Or short paragraphs, sentences perhaps. 

I am trying to keep only the nice parts.

Because I thought we had turned the page

but it seems not. 

The past is never far behind.

There are still heaps of unresolved conflict

and a numb headache that may trace back to the 

humid heat, the exhaustion, or 1999 

or the heartache of one of the many drama seeds that grew somehow.

I am not the victim. I am just stupid enough to believe that it'd go away,

stupid, stupid: thought it'd heal on its own, and right now I am pessimistic, 

but were there other ways I should have tried...?

You gave me the key to solving the riddle: 2014 was too emo and too absent.

Should have sat down to work this out with you earlier, but I could not try. 

Just know it was not out of malice. 

I did not know how to live.

For so many years, I have loved you

and I will love you till the end of my life.

But now it is almost Halloween, 

a thousand miles apart. 

You said you wanted me away, 

but now you are hurt because I didn't come back. 

I knew how it was going to be, but you would not listen.

The deal was to tie my hands 

so that you could fly

I knew what I was losing; you had to find out. 

I am slow steaming in Tennessee. You, in Chihuahua, blazing out.

The Sea

 The sea is within me

I wished it were the river

I wished it were the mountain

I wished it were the desert.

But no: it is the sea 

and it is never quiet 

but it speaks in colors, smells, the rhythm of the waves

and I can not understand it.

The sea is within me, 

but I do not want it there. 

I want it out 

so I can walk away 

I want the sun away

and if the sun sets and the night comes

and I can not see the sea anymore,

will it still be there?

The sea is within me

and there is no space left for myself.

The old house

 Under a perfect desert sun

On the sand I will stand 

I hear the echo of your voice from afar 

But I decided that I do not care.

Hours go by impossibly slow 

like the law of physics does not exist here

like space and time were just invented on a whim

of somebody 

that does not know

the reality of the desert.

And the day may now be a gray afternoon 

slowly melting into the black of night

but it still feels as hot as though the sun were high in the sky

with white dunes skipping along the crystal heat.

My face is drunk on skincare, yet it is still thirsty

and the bright red sun has moved to my limbs

never had I ever felt so vulnerable before.

This used to be my home 

but that was centuries ago.

Now I am not that woman. 

I got lost by the lake and overtaken by the storm. 

The desert that lived in me has left.

Bittersweet

Butter wings

Melty soul 

And you are a pin in the map

But the map is lost 

Tell me what dress are you wearing today 

What coat of arms are you wielding

Whose smile makes you smile today 

While I have two cell phones to misplace around the house 

Maybe one day I will answer 

Maybe one day you will love

While I am chasing another gray hound 

To some place far away from here.

Cheese

Life is falling apart into pieces like cheese slices in a TV commercial 

Things are slowly falling into place...?

S

L

O

Wwwwwwwly

(Ever so slowly).  

And I want to get a sneak peek to see how it unfolds. 

What to prepare. 

What to ditch.

And the cheese looks great, but what if it is just wax and dye? 

Guess we are about to find out, but anyway, what else can we do

now that we are already eating?

It is too late now. We are in the middle of this Rubik's Cube called life.

I am so stretchy that I expand in every direction just to snap back down. 

You are my lifeline into reality.

My thoughts are so sophisticated that I can not make sense of them. 

I can move the squares, but keep getting distracted by the colors.

I know what I want to do, but I can't run the algorithm.

Strokes of sunshine push me forward to go on, and occasionally make me smile.

Your kindness gives me strength and love for life. 

So let me thank you. And be here for you.

I am here for you.

First and Foremost

First and foremost: learn.

Under the gilded chandeliers from centuries ago, returning once again to being the one I never was in an ante bellum manor, sheltered from the heat inside the big house, barely moving the exquisite fan in my hand from the heat stroke and dismay.

Dismay in May... "It's not even summer yet. Wait for August!" Old ladies used to say and I  honestly cannot fathom how they lived without air conditioning, and the thought vanishes as a sip of ice cold Coca-Cola rushes down my throat.

Yeah, I know this is a dream. But I am not here to dream.

First and foremost: learn. 

And pace the gentle gardens like I did as a child outside the big house (but inside the premises) being watched but alone, definitely undisturbed in my thoughts and outside my body regardless of the fact that it was my body walking me through the grass beneath the flowers under the sun, but only my mind was present and only the present had room in my mind. Like forty years ago or perhaps another life, so many dark pits in between but here I am: starting backwards all over again.

And I pray I may find myself this time. After so many failed attempts. What is the meaning? Who am I?

I ask myself as I put another side quest under my belt, triumphant (except I am really not) for I have conquered what they wanted me to and not what freed my soul and proud and tall I stand, yet trapped and lost because I will never know the way lest I start to walk and I will know my destination once I have arrived. 

So, what can I do in the meantime?

Enjoy the garden and the delightful company. Dream, imagine, discover  myself. Serve the community. Do my best. Hope for the best. Try and work hard. Try and succeed. Try and fail. Try again. But, first and foremost: learn.

Mystery of Life

There is no plan because I never thought I'd make it here. 

Way too far for me to recognize myself.

Dragged across decades by life.

With no echo to my voice

Asking questions that answered no one.

Alone.

In a rare reality that made me turn inwards.

Finally realizing where this is all going

My body is an open book for the first time 

Helped me to read and understand 

The mystery of being alive. 

And it came when I was already too tired 

But here I am, humoring the riddle:

I am the main character in this novel called ____ (my name)

Within words that never end

In this lame joke without a punch line

For --we know-- I cannot die until I die.

It is just the ache of waking up another day.

The grandiose world, too big for me to bite. 

But still I try to eat regardless

While I look for groceries online 

Simmering mediocrity instead of pursuing greatness   

And wondering if I will be remembered 

Or if this was a waste of time.