Hot thoughts

 Slow steaming in Tennessee heat

Too many doors have I knocked on 

Too many steps walked, still no answer

And the season isn't set up yet.

There are pages of the past that I long to read

Or short paragraphs, sentences perhaps. 

I am trying to keep only the nice parts.

Because I thought we had turned the page

but it seems not. 

The past is never far behind.

There are still heaps of unresolved conflict

and a numb headache that may trace back to the 

humid heat, the exhaustion, or 1999 

or the heartache of one of the many drama seeds that grew somehow.

I am not the victim. I am just stupid enough to believe that it'd go away,

stupid, stupid: thought it'd heal on its own, and right now I am pessimistic, 

but were there other ways I should have tried...?

You gave me the key to solving the riddle: 2014 was too emo and too absent.

Should have sat down to work this out with you earlier, but I could not try. 

Just know it was not out of malice. 

I did not know how to live.

For so many years, I have loved you

and I will love you till the end of my life.

But now it is almost Halloween, 

a thousand miles apart. 

You said you wanted me away, 

but now you are hurt because I didn't come back. 

I knew how it was going to be, but you would not listen.

The deal was to tie my hands 

so that you could fly

I knew what I was losing; you had to find out. 

I am slow steaming in Tennessee. You, in Chihuahua, blazing out.