And I will hold you when you shiver
If you are afraid you will explode
And I will clean it up for you,
Please do not worry.
Give to me but most importantly,
Give to yourself.
Tonight you are what you always dreamed to be.
May the Earth tremble beneath our feet
May I know you this once and forever.
Let me take care of you.
Say what you want, you've got it.
Let me take care of you.
You are the flowers you have given me.
You are all our kisses
And all our photos together.
I need to look at these photos to remember how I was feeling
And how my heart felt lighter
Cause sometimes we forget that we are happy
And it seems like we were born stuck here
And we will die right here
And all the in between is blurry
And happy moments get lost in time.
But I lived them.
I want to remember
How I felt alive.
When you'd fit between your father's hand and elbow bend
When I could lay you on my chest and you would fall a asleep.
I could never have enough of your delightful smiles, your warm, tender little body that I could cradle in my arms.
Your tiny lips feeding from my breast.
My precious daughter.
You came to join me along the way when I was learning how to become an adult.
I am sorry I did not give you all that you deserved. I was too young and inxperienced. I was distracted by my own problems and by your father. I was trying to save my life.
You know my heart and know better than anyone, baby, what I am talking about. We both hurt. But today I want to celebrate that we are together. I want to embrace you and ask for your forgiveness. May we smile together again, like your first days.
I wish I 'd kept more photos of the two of us. Of the girls we were. How we enjoyed bathing in the jacuzzy. How we enjoyed the playground. I'd climb on the big slide with you. We were laughing all the way down.
Remember how I took you with me to the University and you stayed in class scribbling on a notebook, pretending that you were paying attention.
I still remember dropping you at the day care and how my heart would break when I heard you crying. You'd run to the window to watch me go with the saddest little face.
I used to visit the girls section at every clothes store. I loved buying matching outfits for ourselves. I'd get you a size 4 and then a size 16 for me. You looked so lovely. You were excited to look just like mom... In your innocence we looked the same; but in reality you are far more beautiful, always.
Those were the good old days. And I wish we could go back, but for better or for worse, we can not. It's been quite an adventure. And you have been the best accomplice, the best teacher, the best motivation to go through it all. Thank you. Today I celebrate the woman that you are.
Thank you for giving me the honor of being your mom.
So sad an absence.
At exactly 11:11 today, my heart was thinking of you.
Wishing you were here.
Wishing celebrations would feel as good as they did back then.
I desire enough love and enough strength to feel happy even though you are not here.
The warm May sun shines above me to take away all the cold and remind me of your embrace. ❤️
Starting my sick morning
Bitten by anxiety
Feeling like I am always late for something
Believing that everyone else's needs are more important than mine
My heart beating ever faster to try and keep up with the madness
Believing all the bullshit I have been fed
Like I did not deserve a moment to myself
Never earning sympathy
Believing I am worth just as much as I make
Sweating every cent
Vacations out of the question
Trying to crawl back to my bed
Trying to cheat the system
But then, one day this is all going to break up
I will go back to myself.
I am enough.
I am dry as the dessert
Cold as the night
May the sun take away all my sorrow
As it dips behind the dunes
May my heart beat again out of my chest
Between my legs
I am soft, quiet dessert
My skin is sand
I move with the wind
My moan so low it is inaudible as the wind howls.
You can not hear me.
You can not see me.
But you can feel me.
I am the sansdstorm.
I am not what I was when you started touching me.
I am the infinite spotless dark sky.
Emptiness in my eyes.
But I smell like morning every day.
May the sun rise on me one more time.
I swallowed you.
I am the dessert.
I am paper that got wet
My body brittle and tender
My soul sore.
I damn well know I shouldn't be doing this
Yet here I am doing it anyway.
I miss the person I thought I was.
I am a Panda bound toward extinction and I need saving.
I am rare and unique in my own voice.
I haven't found myself.
I need you to understand me so that you can explain me.
I need your love and compassion.
I need you to hug me through the night.
I will give you a kiss and everything I am
Though I don't know if that is anything at all.
