First and Foremost

First and foremost: learn.

Under the gilded chandeliers from centuries ago, returning once again to being the one I never was in an ante bellum manor, sheltered from the heat inside the big house, barely moving the exquisite fan in my hand from the heat stroke and dismay.

Dismay in May... "It's not even summer yet. Wait for August!" Old ladies used to say and I  honestly cannot fathom how they lived without air conditioning, and the thought vanishes as a sip of ice cold Coca-Cola rushes down my throat.

Yeah, I know this is a dream. But I am not here to dream.

First and foremost: learn. 

And pace the gentle gardens like I did as a child outside the big house (but inside the premises) being watched but alone, definitely undisturbed in my thoughts and outside my body regardless of the fact that it was my body walking me through the grass beneath the flowers under the sun, but only my mind was present and only the present had room in my mind. Like forty years ago or perhaps another life, so many dark pits in between but here I am: starting backwards all over again.

And I pray I may find myself this time. After so many failed attempts. What is the meaning? Who am I?

I ask myself as I put another side quest under my belt, triumphant (except I am really not) for I have conquered what they wanted me to and not what freed my soul and proud and tall I stand, yet trapped and lost because I will never know the way lest I start to walk and I will know my destination once I have arrived. 

So, what can I do in the meantime?

Enjoy the garden and the delightful company. Dream, imagine, discover  myself. Serve the community. Do my best. Hope for the best. Try and work hard. Try and succeed. Try and fail. Try again. But, first and foremost: learn.