No Happy Ending

I want flowers and a special lunch.

Instead, there is distance and the plane tickets we cannot afford. How did we get so far?

I'm not sure when this happened. But surely much longer than last year. Yeah, sure, it started some time between your conception and your teenage years.

They said I was the missus. Next in line matriarch successor. When I was really just a scared nineteen who did not know what to do with her life or how to care for herself.

Much less for a special one. A tiny human entrusted to my life. Shoes too big for me. 

Nonetheless I would climb again each one of those jungle gyms for you. I would get you finger paint, ice-cream and songs in every time line. My heart was in the right place. You are, were, have always been, will always be my truest love. My daughter.

I feel this emptiness where my heart used to be. And then the haunting question presents itself again:

How did we get this far? And still no answer because perhaps it's not just one thing but a cluster of factors, occurrences, circumstances that drove us apart, yet I still feel connected like my life can't be complete without you because you are part of who I am:

I am your mother.

And the cake looks smooth on the outside. But who knows what is inside. 

I am your mother.

And I am now aware that I am less of a mother than you needed and I am sorry.

And I would romanticize the existence and sometimes wish for my own Mandela effect that changed your memories to all happy, wholesome ones because I love you and now I know what I could have done better but who knows if it would have really helped because this life is so tragic and we were held under the shadow and instead of me it was you who pulled me out and, who am I to manage your life story, to edit your memories? But remember me fondly, please, if you remember me at all.

Cherry pick the happy memories like quick kisses, like when I'd drop you by the gate for eight grade and you'd muster a hurried "bye". Imagine that it is just the morning that we will be apart. I will imagine you as the toddler you were once in my arms.

Daughter.

My daughter.

Love you more than I managed to love you.

This is no happy ending. No happy and no ending for now.