Snow - nieve

 Los tenues copos brillan a contraluz. ¿Quién diría que tanta belleza es tan letal?

Ven conmigo al fuego, tibia tus manos. Comamos y riamos while the cold sky is pouring outside, freezing all the life on the ground under its bridal veil. 

Mauricio

-Have you ever wished you'd go to bed and not wake up, sir?

-Why, girl, have you never thought of that? I'm just being honest.

-Your doctor sent you here. He says you're depressed.

-Now, why would he say that?

-You don't know? You really don't think you're depressed?

-I'm not depressed. I'm normal. I just wish I'd die. You see, my life's a joke.

I am half blind, my eyes aren't good anymore and my brain makes up things to fill in the gaps where they can't see. I see things that aren't there. Yet I am not hallucinating. I know what is real and what is not. I'm an old creep with no family and no friends.

I'm just home alone, wasting time, waiting for things to end. Maybe I should make myself useful, find some work to do. But I can't get no job like this. They won't hire a blind old man. I got no social security, no cash, no comfort at all. No one is ever here to help; nobody cares. My life is useless. Why would I not want to die?

-Do you have a plan?

-Well, I keep a rope in my apartment and I've thought about hanging myself from the shower. Because that's in, you know? Cool people have done it. I just don't know... I guess I've been too tired to try.

Or do you mean plans for tonight? No, I don't have a plan.

-Why are you tired? Are you not sleeping well? Are you eating?

-Girl, I live by myself; sometimes I cook but my cooking is crap and the food is so awful I can't come to terms with eating. So I just toss it in the trash and go to my bed. Then I want to sleep, but there's a pounding in my heart that won't let me. Or a ghost by the chair. Then I want to drink alcohol, but I don't. Sometimes I sit in the sofa and space out. And I then I figure I took a very long nap, because the last thing I remember was the sun being out but by the time I look up again, it's dark.

-I'm glad you're here today, sir. We are going to help you.

-Help me with what, girl? I can tie my own noose, you know? Don't you worry about that.

 

Winter 2020

 Dreadful winter is here

but I don't fucking want it.

The expenses, the cold, the short days. 

The special sales with not enough money.

The dull, gray exteriors and the colder-than-fridge interiors.

I´m not myself in the winter. 

Winters make me old. They bring out the evil witch I managed to silence inside of me on warmer months.

I am a Grinch, never giving out Christmas gifts.

I thought I was just selfish, but I really can't afford them. 

And I am selfish.

I could never get my daughter excited about the Holidays.

There is just too much family drama surrounding those memories.

Grandpa and Grandma are no longer at our table. 

Christmas is never going to be the same again.

Every effort seems worthless.

There were so many years, so many smiles taken for granted:

A warm home. The furnace on. The coffee boiling. The turkey in the oven. And those warm arms that were always willing to embrace me and made things instantly better. The big house.

All those things are gone. 

I've been trying to make my home warm in the winter and turn around this bitter spell, but I can't.

I guess I lack optimism. Or money. Or maybe I am too whiney.

Times have changed.

Miserable winter is here.

If it weren't for you, it would not be worth living.

Natural phenomenon

You swaddled in labia

Wrapped in clear milk

Pounding like a heart 

Flickering like the flame from the stove

Rocket high while ocean deep

Darkened

Breathing hard

Blue 

Pressed to a breast and bones and skin

Draped in my hair

A localized earthquake

Mumbling in lost tones in cetacean

Held together like my life

Birthday baby

 The gift is you being here and now

Sonriendo, llena de vida

Con tu carita bella

With your highlighter and that expensive lipstick

The gift is your life

Y los ratos en que lavas trastes 

Y cuando cocinas para mí 

Y cuando duermes también. 

 A simple girl

I would have never imagined. 

Tan bella y única. Mi única bebé 

I love you, baby

Happy birthday. 

Grandeur

 This life is grand

Your love is big, you know?

I end up fatigued, dizzy, light-headed

By midnight I'm done and in my bed

So hyped up I cannot sleep

With two legs I cannot stretch

Always chasing after the next catch

I'm in a hotel balcony

For once heaven does not seem so far

I'm with him and I'm with her

I paid for breakfast, lunch and dinner

I did it because I can

A landlord, the kingpin of this home

I'm unwilling to be with the unworthy,

So here I am by myself

In this zenith of life where I hold them

In love

In our day to day

I'm listening, sweetheart

I'm yours.

I'm almost in love with myself.

 

Domestic affair

Take me one day at a time

grumpy

naked 

unprepared

barely awake

irrational

by bulk

starting everywhere

to never end

yelling at yet another house chore not done today

hysteric

horrified at my reflection in the mirror

mesmerized by your smell

scolded by my own daughter

bored by the same food

drawn in by your taste.

Take me away

make this while be worth

love me as much as I never could

as much as I love you unadmittedly

as long as you're keeping me alive.