Body Image

Having a BMI of 19 is never easy

people don´t see you as people.

You are just a picture.

"It is always nice to see you"

Yeah, I can't say the same, fucker

and this dress was the cheapest, you know?

People always approaching 

for the worst reasons,

people always "worried" that you are "sick"

I am not sick, bitch, I am just skinny

and what do you care, anyway?

Though it is always fun to try on

oh so many clothes, 

getting all the unrequested privilege.

It is like being set up for fame and failure all at the same time.

On the other hand, "Mildly Overweight" does not age gracefully, 

and the final sales are not your size anymore, 

and people (what people!?) talk about how much weight you've gained, 

and your doctor says you have high blood pressure.

And it is almost mandatory to wear a bra

and you don't know your exact size anymore,

you're too afraid to ask

and to share your photos

with a double chin, big belly, flabby arms

-nobody cares, but you always believe they do-.

Nobody cares, but if they do, fuck them, just in case.

It is not your job to look pretty.

And if you don't love your reflection in the mirror,

then you know you are wrong.

I spent most of my youth as a size zero, 

I could not wrap my head around the idea of being a size ten.

I'd see the clothes and believe they were too big for me,

but they'd fit just right when I tried them on.

I got tired of feeling tired

of not fitting into my old clothes,

so I started doing something about it.

Seeing myself more tall than wide

once more in my life was a victory.

I am still not quite myself

I may never be 

but I am getting much closer

to the vessel that stuck in my head of myself.

2021-06-23

And I will hold you when you shiver

If you are afraid you will explode

And I will clean it up for you,

Please do not worry.

Give to me but most importantly, 

Give to yourself. 

Tonight you are what you always dreamed to be. 

May the Earth tremble beneath our feet

May I know you this once and forever. 

Let me take care of you.

Say what you want, you've got it.

Let me take care of you.

Memories

You are the flowers you have given me.

You are all our kisses

And all our photos together.

I need to look at these photos to remember how I was feeling

And how my heart felt lighter

Cause sometimes we forget that we are happy

And it seems like we were born stuck here

And we will die right here

And all the in between is blurry

And happy moments get lost in time.

But I lived them.

I want to remember

How I felt alive. 

Review ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I whish we could go back to those days

When you'd fit between your father's hand and elbow bend

When I could lay you on my chest and you would fall a asleep.

I could never have enough of your delightful smiles, your warm, tender little body that I could cradle in my arms. 

Your tiny lips feeding from my breast.

My precious daughter.

You came to join me along the way when I was learning how to become an adult. 

I am sorry I did not give you all that you deserved. I was too young and inxperienced. I was distracted by my own problems and by your father. I was trying to save my life.

You know my heart and know better than anyone, baby, what I am talking about. We both hurt. But today I want to celebrate that we are together. I want to embrace you and ask for your forgiveness. May we smile together again, like your first days.

I wish I 'd kept more photos of the two of us. Of the girls we were. How we enjoyed bathing in the jacuzzy. How we enjoyed the playground. I'd climb on the big slide with you. We were laughing all the way down.

Remember how I took you with me to the University and you stayed in class scribbling on a notebook, pretending that you were paying attention. 

I still remember dropping you at the day care and how my heart would break when I heard you crying. You'd run to the window to watch me go with the saddest little face.

I used to visit the girls section at every clothes store. I loved buying matching outfits for ourselves. I'd get you a size 4 and then a size 16 for me. You looked so lovely. You were excited to look just like mom... In your innocence we looked the same; but in reality you are far more beautiful, always.

Those were the good old days. And I wish we could go back, but for better or for worse, we can not. It's been quite an adventure. And you have been the best accomplice, the best teacher, the best motivation to go through it all. Thank you. Today I celebrate the woman that you are.

Thank you for giving me the honor of being your mom. 

May 10th

Too beautiful to put into words.

So sad an absence.

At exactly 11:11 today, my heart was thinking of you. 

Wishing you were here.

Wishing celebrations would feel as good as they did back then.

I desire enough love and enough strength to feel happy even though you are not here.

The warm May sun shines above me to take away all the cold and remind me of your embrace. ❤️

Silver lining

Starting my sick morning

Bitten by anxiety

Feeling like I am always late for something

Believing that everyone else's needs are more important than mine

My heart beating ever faster to try and keep up with the madness

Believing all the bullshit I have been fed

Like I did not deserve a moment to myself

Never earning sympathy

Believing I am worth just as much as I make

Sweating every cent

Vacations out of the question 

Trying to crawl back to my bed

Trying to cheat the system 

But then, one day this is all going to break up 

I will go back to myself. 

I am enough. 

Dunes

I am dry as the dessert

Cold as the night

May the sun take away all my sorrow

As it dips behind the dunes

May my heart beat again out of my chest

Between my legs

I am soft, quiet dessert

My skin is sand

I move with the wind

My moan so low it is inaudible as the wind howls. 

You can not hear me.

You can not see me.

But you can feel me.

I am the sansdstorm. 

I am not what I was when you started touching me. 

I am the infinite spotless dark sky. 

Emptiness in my eyes. 

But I smell like morning every day. 

May the sun rise on me one more time. 

I swallowed you. 

I am the dessert.