Saturn bby Blue

There was a time when I had nobody. And then Ms.Blue came along. 

With that lovely face of yours, your personality. 

-Willful- grandpa said. 

Beauty goes beyond your name and your face. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise. 

Thanks for teaching me how to overcome my fears. 

Sometimes I just want to go to your room, hold you tight and touch your hair: pretend you are still my baby. 

But you are all grown up, a beautiful strong woman. 

You make me so proud. 

Then I see you wearing my old tops or when we go to the store and you choose a dress that looks just like the one I had when I was your age. My heart warms at those memories, my precious daughter, but then some dark days come back from my past and I feel so relieved to have you next to me and I pray for better days for you. 

I hope that your light will always shine bright and that you drive your life better than I did mine. 

I love you. 

And always will. 

There was a time when I was nobody. And then I was your mom. 

Seventeen

I'll try to find a way to explain to you how I was. How my hips were sharp and my hands were long and my breasts so big in my otherwise tiny frame.

How I'd go out in a see-through white spandex shirt paired with jeans and I did not care. A true rebel at sixteen enjoying life even though I never felt beautiful.

Cause there were always others prettier than me. But I was the one wearing the lowest neckline.  I had the highest heels. I was the one ready to spend the night with you.

I would stick my hand beneath your jeans without batting an eye. You may not notice me at first, but surely you would hear about me. And maybe find a dark, lonely room where I could disgrace you. Or share bodily fluids or simply listen to music together.

And maybe later act like nothing happened. And I would never see you get old and gray. And if there ever was a "we", it would be locked and lost in that one moment. Because at seventeen life is not the same as it is at forty-something and desire seems more important than a home and fortune and because those days are never coming back, did they really happen?

I was the hero in my own story. But now, who is writing these lines? 

Carnivorous

And I may be a tiny, weak creature

One that does better on meatless food, one that needs her bed

You are such a big guy

A safe haven cause you want to

My heart beating in your hands bedazzles you

As you hear the music of my breath

Aware of my delicate frame posing before your big eyes

My tiny ribs, my tender legs, my pouty lips

Helpless at your whim, yet completely willing

I am here delighted, even if this were the last time

Soft and warm for your pleasure 

Cause we know life is like this

Some know how to break, some are meant to be broken

And choosing the one who breaks us

Is a privilege in a way

And I may be the prey you want 

Or just hot bait next to you in this bed

While you sleep all lush and large

But whichever way it goes

I chose you.

You are my prey tonight. 

2021-07-28

We watched Beastars season 2 finale. 

Sometimes love goes beyond our understanding. 

Love is strange. 

There is more healing power in his arms and his smile than in any pill.

Even broken, we are still capable of love.

There

Is

Hope. 

Beyond all expectations,

Quiet

So far from ordinary, unprecedented,

Surreal

¿Is this what people call love?

2021-07-09

Your silence is worth a thousand suns

On this warm night

In this bed

White skin all across,

You so soft

You, harmless now

You are asleep

Muffling tired sounds

I am just an edge of the bed

A quiet string,  watching 

While you drift away. 

Body Image

Having a BMI of 19 is never easy

people don´t see you as people.

You are just a picture.

"It is always nice to see you"

Yeah, I can't say the same, fucker

and this dress was the cheapest, you know?

People always approaching 

for the worst reasons,

people always "worried" that you are "sick"

I am not sick, bitch, I am just skinny

and what do you care, anyway?

Though it is always fun to try on

oh so many clothes, 

getting all the unrequested privilege.

It is like being set up for fame and failure all at the same time.

On the other hand, "Mildly Overweight" does not age gracefully, 

and the final sales are not your size anymore, 

and people (what people!?) talk about how much weight you've gained, 

and your doctor says you have high blood pressure.

And it is almost mandatory to wear a bra

and you don't know your exact size anymore,

you're too afraid to ask

and to share your photos

with a double chin, big belly, flabby arms

-nobody cares, but you always believe they do-.

Nobody cares, but if they do, fuck them, just in case.

It is not your job to look pretty.

And if you don't love your reflection in the mirror,

then you know you are wrong.

I spent most of my youth as a size zero, 

I could not wrap my head around the idea of being a size ten.

I'd see the clothes and believe they were too big for me,

but they'd fit just right when I tried them on.

I got tired of feeling tired

of not fitting into my old clothes,

so I started doing something about it.

Seeing myself more tall than wide

once more in my life was a victory.

I am still not quite myself

I may never be 

but I am getting much closer

to the vessel that stuck in my head of myself.