viernes, 13 de noviembre de 2020

Mauricio

-Have you ever wished you'd go to bed and not wake up, sir?

-Why, girl, have you never thought of that? I'm just being honest.

-Your doctor sent you here. He says you're depressed.

-Now, why would he say that?

-You don't know? You really don't think you're depressed?

-I'm not depressed. I'm normal. I just wish I'd die. You see, my life's a joke.

I am half blind, my eyes aren't good anymore and my brain makes up things to fill in the gaps where they can't see. I see things that aren't there. Yet I am not hallucinating. I know what is real and what is not. I'm an old creep with no family and no friends.

I'm just home alone, wasting time, waiting for things to end. Maybe I should make myself useful, find some work to do. But I can't get no job like this. They won't hire a blind old man. I got no social security, no cash, no comfort at all. No one is ever here to help; nobody cares. My life is useless. Why would I not want to die?

-Do you have a plan?

-Well, I keep a rope in my apartment and I've thought about hanging myself from the shower. Because that's in, you know? Cool people have done it. I just don't know... I guess I've been too tired to try.

Or do you mean plans for tonight? No, I don't have a plan.


-Why are you tired? Are you not sleeping well? Are you eating?

-Girl, I live by myself; sometimes I cook but my cooking is crap and the food is so awful I can't come to terms with eating. So I just toss it in the trash and go to my bed. Then I want to sleep, but there's a pounding in my heart that won't let me. Or a ghost by the chair. Then I want to drink alcohol, but I don't. Sometimes I sit in the sofa and space out. And I then I figure I took a very long nap, because the last thing I remember was the sun being out but by the time I look up again, it's dark.

-I'm glad you're here today, sir. We are going to help you.

-Help me with what, girl? I can tie my own noose, you know? Don't you worry about that.

 



lunes, 9 de noviembre de 2020

Winter 2020

 Dreadful winter is here

but I don't fucking want it.

The expenses, the cold, the short days. 

The special sales with not enough money.

The dull, gray exteriors and the colder-than-fridge interiors.


I´m not myself in the winter. 

Winters make me old. They bring out the evil witch I managed to silence inside of me on warmer months.

I am a Grinch, never giving out Christmas gifts.

I thought I was just selfish, but I really can't afford them. 

And I am selfish.

I could never get my daughter excited about the Holidays.

There is just too much family drama surrounding those memories.


Grandpa and Grandma are no longer at our table. 

Christmas is never going to be the same again.

Every effort seems worthless.

There were so many years, so many smiles taken for granted:

A warm home. The furnace on. The coffee boiling. The turkey in the oven. And those warm arms that were always willing to embrace me and made things instantly better. The big house.

All those things are gone. 

I've been trying to make my home warm in the winter and turn around this bitter spell, but I can't.

I guess I lack optimism. Or money. Or maybe I am too whiney.


Times have changed.

Miserable winter is here.

If it weren't for you, it would not be worth living.


domingo, 20 de septiembre de 2020

Apology

 

(On why your tenant is a pain in the ass) 

*Rant alert


So it seems like I'm a spoiled girl. Igual que cuando tenía cinco y no me daba cuenta de mi privilegio. Para mí era simplemente mi vida -una vida como cualquier otra- sin saber que los otros no estaban en mis mismas condiciones, ignorante, inocente o tal vez profundamente egoísta al grado de no poder entender this different reality that I stepped into.

I made this decision believing that my life would stay otherwise the same. I was wrong. I learned about my privilege the hard way. Pasé de tener facilidades y comodidades al alcance de mi mano, a tener problemas qué solucionar hasta para las cosas más simples: tomar agua, prender la luz, cocinar, bañarnos. Those all became heavy tasks that would require an extra amount of money from us because this new reality is so shabby and worn out that things don't work the way they should, the way we're used to, and this person that is taking our money is so cheap, relentless... it is not that we "don't like it", but we really can't afford a new reality like this.

Fuera de los "detalles estéticos" en pisos, closets y exteriores, de los vidrios quebrados y las puertas visiblemente inservibles y violadas, claro, disfrazados con pintura interior nueva -que la dueña nos recalca que le debemos regresar en iguales o mejores condiciones- y del impermeabilizado y el super aire acondicionado, lo peor es lo que no se ve a simple vista: el gasto -o más bien, el derroche- de gas por capricho de la dueña (our appliances are better, why don't you let us use them instead?), el aire acondicionado de techo con capacidad para media casa y sin ductos, (no wonder it doesn't cool, huh?) y que además gasta electricidad a lo desgraciado, again, our air cooler is better but we can't use it; el servicio de agua deficiente, cuando antes nunca nos faltó presión de agua, pero aquí tuvimos que comprar tinaco y bomba de agua y la doña todavía se enoja porque "es mucho peso para el techo"; las tuberías de agua y drenaje deficientes, con agua que se estanca al lavar o hasta cuando llueve e inunda el patio -eso, si es que hay agua- el gasto para llenar garrafones, porque hay tan poca presión que nuestro filtro no funciona y no hay agua ni para tomar, gasto de reguladores y lámparas LED para mi trabajo, porque aquí el voltaje es muy inestable y a ratos la luz parece estrobo (well, if the electric line is from half a century ago, not much could be expected), el barrote que le falta a la reja, que prometieron arreglar pero sigue suelto, al cabo "si le van a robar, con barrote o sin barrote le roban, yo ni tengo reja y a mí nunca me ha pasado nada" (Yeah, bitch, but maybe you don't need to keep expensive work equipment in your home... How can you be so cynical?). 

So yeah... Life is tough. Before this experience I hadn't realized that some people really like living like cavemen. Yo creía que el interés de tener una casa funcional era universal. Pero ya veo que no.

It's OK if you can't provide all the best things to your tenants. It's not OK, however, to advertise amenities and services as "good" when in reality they barely work just because you are too cheap to update them or give any basic maintenence, but still charge full fee. And it's certainly not OK to try to keep those tenants from doing better just because you don't want your useless stuff removed.

So I am sorry if I bother you. I don't mean to be a pain in the ass. It's not that I am demanding, it's just the efficiency level that I am used to. That is what I worked for and what I should be able to have, because I have the means. That is how my life works and I don't believe I can handle it otherwise.

So I am a spoiled brat and you are petty. So what? 

miércoles, 26 de agosto de 2020

Natural phenomenon

You swaddled in labia

Wrapped in clear milk

Pounding like a heart 

Flickering like the flame from the stove

Rocket high while ocean deep

Darkened

Breathing hard

Blue 

Pressed to a breast and bones and skin

Draped in my hair

A localized earthquake

Mumbling in lost tones in cetacean

Held together like my life


domingo, 16 de agosto de 2020

Birthday baby

 The gift is you being here and now

Sonriendo, llena de vida

Con tu carita bella

With your highlighter and that expensive lipstick

The gift is your life

Y los ratos en que lavas trastes 

Y cuando cocinas para mí 

Y cuando duermes también. 


 A simple girl

I would have never imagined. 

Tan bella y única. Mi única bebé 

I love you, baby

Happy birthday. 

jueves, 13 de agosto de 2020

Grandeur

 This life is grand

Your love is big, you know?

I end up fatigued, dizzy, light-headed

By midnight I'm done and in my bed

So hyped up I cannot sleep

With two legs I cannot stretch

Always chasing after the next catch

I'm in a hotel balcony

For once heaven does not seem so far

I'm with him and I'm with her

I paid for breakfast, lunch and dinner

I did it because I can

A landlord, the kingpin of this home

I'm unwilling to be with the unworthy,

So here I am by myself

In this zenith of life where I hold them

In love

In our day to day

I'm listening, sweetheart

I'm yours.

I'm almost in love with myself.

 

lunes, 3 de agosto de 2020

Domestic affair

Take me one day at a time
grumpy
naked 
unprepared
barely awake
irrational
by bulk
starting everywhere
to never end
yelling at yet another house chore not done today
hysteric
horrified at my reflection in the mirror
mesmerized by your smell
scolded by my own daughter
bored by the same food
drawn in by your taste.

Take me away
make this while be worth
love me as much as I never could
as much as I love you unadmittedly
as long as you're keeping me alive.
 

lunes, 27 de julio de 2020

202007

My body is achy.
It's foreign and dull
It's made of popcorn and paper
Brittle and frail.

And it feels like I'd like to pause and not be, because this thing here is not life. Life is supposed to be trees and rain showers outdoors, long walks; not a bent spine. This is not my life.

But my body is busy right now making money.
Maybe I can check in with myself later.
Maybe I'll find another way
Now that I ended up constructing this into love.
But who knows and who cares, anyway.

I'm busy right now.
I love you.
Sometimes it's hard to see through  myself.

sábado, 4 de julio de 2020

Placer y dolor se entrelazaban en un solo aullido bajo, ronco, ahogado por su propia mano, mientras la de él la tomaba de la carne, o la apretaba del cuello, una sola mano es suficiente para atraparla como avispa en una tablilla de disección, inmovilizada, con una mano le rodea el cuello apenas tocándole, cuidando la fragilidad de ella, su pequeño cuerpo liviano.

En cambio, él todo un gigante, sus manos peligrosamente grandes, tan tibio y suave pero enorme, como una frazada reconfortante pero enorme, todo liso, agradable, firme, inofensivo solo, como un gigante gentil; como se les habla a las plantas cuando se quiere que crezcan. 

Nadie mejor que él. Tan cuidadoso. Al menos hasta que se olvida de todo y olvida su tamaño.  Entonces ella es un avispa atrapada, prendida en la piel caliente de él. Y el mundo se arregla en suspiro. Y todo está bien. 

martes, 3 de marzo de 2020

0303

So here I am, looking at somebody else's travel photos.
Looking at somebody else's husband,
Seeing lovely food I won't be eating.

I miss the time when I was yearning.
When looking ahead in the horizon distracted me from seeing this decomposed joke of my life.

No more time for brooding
Back aches plague me, my bones claiming the right to move and to be in the sunlight.

Why am I too tired to dream?
All the "pretty" and "sweet" is faded,
all pleasure's gone away.

miércoles, 26 de febrero de 2020

Memorial

I was wondering how you'll remember me.
Are you going to miss me moving life along for you once I'm gone?
My bossy face
this face that always cared
whether you've eaten or not
if you're feeling well or how your day went
The dean of your life or maybe a dictator
or a ballast
Are you even going to remember that I loved you?

lunes, 17 de febrero de 2020

Vida laboral

Hay noches en las que no me oigo ni yo misma
porque el ruido ensordecedor del día ha desgastado mis oídos
- o me ha fastidiado, provocando sordera selectiva-.
Es tan oscuro que no puedo escuchar mis propios pensamientos
no tengo tiempo para mí
no alcanzo a comer, no alcanzo a descansar, solo se repite la sucesión de horas y días
La misma rutina de áridos minutos que duelen,
de segundos abarrotados
y grises que nunca son suficientes.